The first part of the work deals with two basic wounds that we usually received from our early parents and caregivers. These are for the most part buried in our unconscious minds but surface when we enter in to intimacy.

The first is called the wound of Abandonment. The abandonment wound is a devastating wound in our psyche where we are very afraid of being left alone or deprived of love, affection and attention. Somewhere in childhood we had the experience of our needs not being expertly fulfilled and this triggered many feelings of frustration and agitation and a fear that may even have felt life threatening. We had the experience of being helplessly dependent on caretakers who were not exquisitely attuned to us moment to moment and have registered and stored the memories of that pain.
So when we come to relationship and that experience of dependence is potentially re awakened it awakens all our fears, compulsivites and the inevitable conflict of wanting to be cared for but not wanting to be abandoned and neglected. The one who fears abandonment is always trying to get closer and more securely attached.

The second wound is called the wound of Engulfment. This wound is a very opposite state to abandonment and here we fear being suffocated, invaded and controlled by the other. In childhood there was generally the experience of our reality being overwhelmed or invaded by another. A parent may have depended too heavily on the child or been emotionally smothering, and the child’s connection to their own needs and feelings was lost in the face of that. In this state we feel that we will lose our freedom, our autonomy and even our sense of self if we come too close to the other. So in this state our desire for intimacy becomes very conflicted and ambivalent. We need intimacy and love, but too much overwhelms us, and we need space, but not to the point that we feel lonely. The one who fears engulfment is always trying to find the optimal distance from the partner, where he can feel loved but not get lost and suffocated by the love.

These two styles are inevitably drawn to each other in relationships. The ‘abandonment’ person plays the role of the dependant and becomes fixated on how the partner is not giving them enough love, time, attention, etc. They can tend to demand, smother and manipulate to try and get their supply of love, often quite unconsciously. The dependant also may put up with too much (or too little) from their partner, afraid, that in there standing up to them, they may trigger their greatest fear – the loss of their loved one. The ‘engulfment’ person polarises in relationships into the position of the anti-dependant. They want the other, but not too close, and they tend to be more ‘in control’, distant and intimacy avoidant in relationships. Understandably, this behaviour can trigger the dependant whose antenna are finely tuned to any type of rejection. In response they often then become demanding, smothering or manipulative which in turn triggers the anti-dependant’s fears of engulfment. They often begin to withdraw and withhold in the face of these needs and thus the dynamic begins to escalate.

Our workshops address these and many other issues of relationship in a safe and intimate setting. We teach many theoretical models to help understand relationship dynamics and behaviour and provide experiential exercises that help ground these in the individuals’ personal experience. The work is gentle but very powerful in its effect. Throughout our workshops we anchor participants in meditations designed to help develop a stronger centre within them - especially important amongst the strong feelings and reactions relationships can provoke. A deeper and more honest form of communication is learned as we recognise the limiting nature of our protections and learn to trust our emotional truth with another. As we heal our old wounds and fears and learn new skills, we open to the deep riches and growth that relationship can provide. Back to first page